Why Anxiety Makes You Want to Control Everything and How Safe Uncertainty Can Help
By Dr. Munn Saechao | Grit Mindset Therapy | Treating ADHD, Anxiety and Depression in Mountain View, CA
If you need control to feel calm, you are not alone. Many people, especially high performers, feel a strong urge to manage every detail in order to prevent problems before they happen. While control can temporarily soothe anxiety, it does not eliminate it. In fact, the more we rely on control as a coping strategy, the more reactive our nervous system becomes when uncertainty inevitably shows up. Learning to practice safe uncertainty, in small and intentional ways, can help you break this cycle and build emotional resilience.
Why High Performers Rely So Heavily on Control
High achieving individuals often cope with anxiety by planning everything, anticipating possible challenges, and trying to eliminate any potential for failure. This creates a sense of order and predictability, which can feel grounding when life feels overwhelming. The problem is that life always includes some degree of uncertainty, and no amount of planning can fully erase that.
This is where anxiety sneaks back in. When something unpredictable happens or when a detail falls outside your control, your nervous system reacts as if a threat has appeared. Suddenly the temporary calm disappears, and anxiety rises again.
What Does Control Give You
A helpful question to ask yourself is: What does control give me
Is it safety? Certainty? A sense of belonging or worth?
Understanding the core need beneath the urge to control helps you respond more effectively. When you name what you are trying to protect, you open space for healthier coping tools.
What Is Safe Uncertainty
Safe uncertainty is the practice of exposing yourself to small amounts of unpredictability in intentional and manageable ways. You are not throwing yourself into chaos. Instead, you are giving your nervous system opportunities to learn that it can tolerate a little bit of unknown without danger.
Small reps of safe uncertainty strengthen flexibility, reduce anxiety spikes, and build trust in your own capacity to cope.
Simple Ways to Practice Safe Uncertainty Today
Safe uncertainty can look like:
- Leaving one evening unplanned
- Sending an email when it is 80 percent good enough
- Trying something new without over researching
- Not seeking reassurance and allowing the discomfort to rise and fall
These moments teach your nervous system that not every detail needs to be managed in order for you to stay safe. Over time, this helps reduce anxiety and expand your emotional resilience.
Which one will you try this week?
Final Thoughts
If control has been your main coping tool, it makes sense that letting go feels uncomfortable. But practicing safe uncertainty in small, intentional ways creates real change. It helps you feel grounded without relying on over planning or perfection. Try choosing three priorities for today, and let the rest wait. Notice how your body responds.
📌 Disclaimer: This content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health care. If you are experiencing distress or need help, please consult with a licensed clinician, go to your nearest emergency room, or call emergency services.
Grit Mindset Therapy | Psychologist Specializing in ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression in Mountain View, CA
Munn Saechao, PsyD, LCSW, PPSC
Webpage: gritmindsettherapy.com
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